Some people enjoy their entertainment with a dash of awful every
now and then. Sometimes you don’t need to be blown away by big special
effects or even engaged by competent dialogue; cracking wise can be its
own reward. Even die-hard devotees of the "so bad it’s good” school of
thought will find little to like in Blades of Time. It’s not enjoyable
like a bad movie. It’s more like being dropped off by your parents at a
carpet store when you’re 10.
Blades of Time is a spiritual successor to Gaijin Entertainment’s
other attempt at a hack-and-slash game, X-Blades. They both feature the
treasure-hunting vamp Ayumi, though now she looks like something you’d
see airbrushed on the side of a van rather than the hood of a tuned-up
Nissan. Gone are the thongs and stockings, replaced by hot pants and
thigh-high boots. To further sell Ayumi as more than just eye candy, she
speaks with an accent that was presumably shooting for "English
countess,” but in reality is "vaguely Bjork-like.”
Ayumi is the worst character I’ve controlled in years.
Her entire characterization is based upon describing what is plainly
visible. "This is a desert,” she observes when she finds herself
transported to a sun-bleached ruin, circled with sand dunes. "What is
that down there, an elevator?” she later asks, her voice tinged with
complete astonishment, as she gazes upon the same device she’s
encountered countless times. She isn’t sassy, kind, or even cruel. She’s
just a person who walks around a bunch of places and says what she
sees. It doesn’t help that she’s visiting Dragonland, the least
interesting magical realm I’ve ever had the displeasure of exploring.
Ayumi is pulled into this place via a glowing orb, and she has to
retrieve an artifact or save the world or escape or something. She’s too
busy blathering on about nothing ("I could go for a hot chocolate right
about now!”) to make her intentions clear. Dragonland is populated with
trapped humans and humanoid monsters, and she whirls through everything
with her twin blades and firearm.
Blades of Time boasts a pathetically small enemy roster of
uninteresting creeps. You face off against the same armored knights from
the opening tutorial through the final level, and even though your
abilities will have been upgraded along the way, combat remains just as
rote. Ayumi can cast fire, ice, and earthquake spells by building a rage
meter, but it’s almost always more effective (and easier) to back away
from enemies, find higher ground, and plink away at the idiots as they
struggle in vain for a way to get within swinging distance. Ayumi can
upgrade her arsenal by using her pie-sized compass to find hidden
treasure, though once you find the machine gun you can stop looking.
The closest the game gets to a creative twist comes with Ayumi’s
time-shifting ability. Players can rewind time and then play it back,
allowing multiple copies of Ayumi to surround foes with a flurry of
swords or overwhelm bosses with multiple firearm attacks. It’s a cute
gimmick, though it’s mainly used in a variety of switch and door
puzzles. I’d rather push stone blocks around than see two Ayumis on my
screen simultaneously.
I’m not your financial advisor, and I don’t care how you spend your
money. As one human being to another, I feel a responsibility to advise
you not to bother with this boring mess. There are way better bad games
out there to play, and even more good ones that are worth your time.
Unlike Ayumi, you can’t rewind the clock to before you played Blades of
Time, and none of us are getting any younger.
